My Hole

When I can feel the pressure on my neck and shoulders, I know that “hole” is calling to me again. In the past, I might have lingered on the edge of ignorance and pain, finding it hard to pull myself out, not realizing that this wasn’t the real me. The me attracted to the “hole” is not because of past regrets or future worries that seem unbearable, causing my body to sink into paralysis…

In early summer 2018, in front of Teacher Meher’s kitchen door, we talked about the concept of the “hole” for the first time.

Where the Hole Comes From

When we are born, everyone is perfect. But as a child grows up day by day and experiences various aspects of the world, gradually, some “holes” appear in us.

“In the experiences of childhood growth, unmet needs lead to emotions, feelings, and attitudes that carry over into adult life, affecting our body, mind, relationships, emotions, work, and even shaping our relationships, creating difficulties and problems in real life,” said Teacher Meher.

Psychological, mental, and even physical symptoms in adulthood often result from unhealed inner holes.

This concept was first proposed by Jung, who called it the “inner child.” Later, people interpreted it from different angles, using terms like trauma and holes. This concept arises from the subconscious and the depths of human nature, representing the most powerful impulse in existence. It embodies the most primitive self-desire, and this self-understanding force is a natural law with unparalleled strength.

Teacher Meher named these holes: fear, shame, abandonment, emptiness, and grief. She said she has her own holes, and of course, I do too. When a hole is touched in daily life, the inner explosive force is like a time bomb going off, reacting intensely.

This may be our suppressed emotions from childhood. As children, we couldn’t express our feelings and moods freely like adults, leaving various emotions to sink into the subconscious. Healthy people don’t choose ways that lead to pain, depression, and anxiety. But why do many people still do so? Because past experiences control them, not their choices.

Partners

In a relationship, how wonderful it would be if a person could have a truly independent self. When both partners are complete and without holes, it would be a beautiful relationship. But in reality, such occurrences are rare.

The types and sizes of these holes determine the emotional triggers in each of us, which can be called our red buttons. When a particular button is pushed, it can generate strong energy effects. For example, shame is a point I can’t easily touch, while for Teacher Meher, it might be another trait. We are often attracted to people with different trauma traits because, in the initial stages of a relationship, one’s holes are temporarily covered by the other, making everyone seem perfect.

Teacher Meher once gave me a vivid analogy:

“When a man and a woman first meet, they are easily deeply attracted to each other. They get so close that they can’t see the holes in themselves or each other. Maybe your hole is in one place, and the other person’s hole is in another place. So when two people are face to face, very close, the holes seem invisible because the other person covers them up.

Then, as time passes, daily life creates distance due to trivial matters. Or maybe they have children: generally, when two people have kids, suddenly these previously unnoticed holes magically appear.

Then you look at me, and I look at you. Suddenly, the holes on each other become so clear, even glaring…”

In relationships, this might be the inevitable process. When two people face each other, the best relationship might be to see the other as a mirror to observe the points easily triggered in oneself. Sometimes it takes a certain amount of time and distance for these holes to become visible. Interestingly, we often see holes in others but find it hard to see our own.

Teacher Meher said, “Relationships serve as mirrors for both partners. What seems like ordinary matters often hide profound meanings.”

When two people first fall in love, they are usually attracted by each other’s outstanding traits, which are generally what they lack in themselves. Subconsciously, one might hope the other can heal their hole or see the bright future behind the other.

Depending on the other can temporarily cover your hole, but it can never truly heal it.

Questions/Answers

I asked Teacher Meher, what if the other person has many large holes?

Teacher Meher said: They need to know it themselves.

I asked, what if they don’t know or are unwilling to understand?

Teacher Meher said: That would be difficult. Sometimes, women have more willingness for self-awareness and are better at expressing. However, many men have harder shells, making it relatively harder for them to open up and be seen, and actively make changes.

For men, there are often “two doors” to face:

The first door is about self-expression: expressing sadness, love, and other emotions. Men find it harder to express these because globally, men are taught that “men don’t easily cry” or “men should be strong.”

The second door, if parents expressed themselves very reservedly or never easily expressed emotions in front of their children, this model is likely to be replicated in the grown child’s relationship. The father’s reserved and silent expression may deeply imprint on the boy’s mind.

These two doors await most men to see and open themselves…

Unfolding

While slowly sorting out my thoughts and recording these notes, I seem to see a beautiful landscape through the holes, with a happy smiling self standing in the scenery.

Thanks to Teacher Meher for guiding me to see all this.

Hu Xiaoxian
Written in the windy Dali

Today is the Laba Festival
Wishing everyone warmth in body and mind.