Cloudy Day, Waking Up Naturally
Going downstairs, I could smell freshly brewed black coffee and the aroma of toasted bread. Such mornings, which I can usually only enjoy on weekends due to child-rearing duties, are precious and delightful.
Staying at Teacher Meher’s house these days, I could enjoy this every day… A cup of black coffee invigorated me, making my mind clear and body refreshed. Naturally, our conversation continued at this breakfast-laden old table:
For some reason, we started talking about Zinedine Zidane. We both felt that Zidane is one of the most beloved celebrities worldwide.
Teacher Meher said that many years ago, when she was traveling with her husband for work, they visited some small villages in China. When people asked her where she was from, she replied, “I’m French.” At that time, whenever she mentioned being French, many would say, “Ah! Zidane! The Frenchman I know.” Few could accurately name the French president then, but this gentle and superbly skilled French footballer was indeed a national symbol known to all.
Today’s Chosen Topic: Relationships
I said, “Hmm, I want to throw out the two toughest topics (parenting and relationships) first.” Teacher Meher laughed and said, “Haha, I don’t know if I’m qualified to give advice on this topic, but we can try discussing it.”
“To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”
“From now on, whether for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and cherish, until death do us part.”
Teacher Meher said that every time she attended a wedding and heard this classic Catholic wedding vow over the years, she would be very moved.
As a classic vow, it resonates at every Catholic wedding (Teacher Meher herself was born into a common Catholic family in France). Later, we find that real married life often distances itself from wedding vows.
Although everyone enters marriage with beautiful expectations, in reality, life has its relatively “heavy” power. This force makes us re-examine life, sometimes realizing that if it’s not a duet of a prince and princess, it’s a sparring match for mutual cultivation.
In marriage, if both parties can mutually fulfill and grow together, that’s ideal. But in most cases, one person grows faster, and the other slower. The faster one has to wait for the slower one.
In most marriages, the differing paces of the two partners might be the main theme, requiring lots of communication and listening.
People always hope to find the best in each other in marriage. If both partners can bring out the best in each other, that’s wonderful. But many marriages bring out the worst in each other. Sometimes, a toxic relationship can even reveal human nature and help one understand oneself anew.
Three States of Marriage
Teacher Meher categorizes marriages into three states:
Good relationships
Normal relationships
Toxic relationships
A good relationship: Very positive and healthy, where both parties can consciously help each other and strive for mutual growth. She noted that such marriages are actually rare in real life. I sighed with relief upon hearing this.
Most situations are what we call normal marriages: two people living together, occasionally having mismatched paces—one ahead, one behind, one fast, one slow. Through much listening and communication, they gradually align their steps. Achieving this state is already very good.
The last type is a toxic relationship: This relationship shows the worst sides of both partners. In such relationships, people might be long numb or intensely conflicted, causing great pain. Such relationships teach us to seek liberation.
Long-term CDI and Short-term CDD
Teacher Meher jokingly said that sometimes seeing a loving couple on the street, holding hands or gazing at each other affectionately, can make one envious. But she thought, who knows, this might not be their first relationship or marriage.
I asked Teacher Meher about traditional French marriages. She said that in ancient Europe, marriage was more like a contract, akin to an alliance between two families. This marriage included family, land, and money. When marriage was a contract, it was very different from our current idea of romantic love leading to marriage.
Today, our expectations of marriage are very high. Many of us transition from romantic love to marriage, where the “feeling” of love involves complex psychological and physiological factors. But as two individuals from different environments face married life together, these initial feelings can gradually transform or even disappear.
Modern marriage still includes many elements of past models: responsibility, money, family, and adding the need for constant love and passion. Thus, our demands on modern marriage are much higher than the simple contract of the past.
So, for modern people, the weight carried by marriage involves a “both…and” concept, which is indeed challenging.
Teacher Meher mentioned that the contractual marriage form of the past (similar to traditional arranged marriages in China) wasn’t entirely without merit. Compared to modern marriages, past marriages started from a lower point and gradually moved to a potential higher point. For example, a contract clearly defined the rights and duties of both parties, with no illusions, just partnering to live life. Over time, this might build affection based on daily life (whether this could be called love, I’m not sure, but it certainly helped the stability of marriage). For modern marriages starting from passionate love, maintaining that high point can be quite difficult.
This suddenly reminded me of the 1994 TV series “A Moment of Romance,” which for me is the best portrayal of a modern marriage’s “no zuo no die” scenario.
At this point, Teacher Meher suddenly asked if I knew the two main forms of work contracts in France:
CDI, an indefinite-term employment contract, represents the normal and general form of employment between employer and employee. Unless an employer justifies using another type of employment contract (e.g., fixed-term or temporary), this contract must be signed. If there is no written document specifying the employment terms, it defaults to a full-time contract.
CDD, a fixed-term employment contract, refers to an employment contract where the employer hires a worker for a specified fixed period. The purpose of a fixed-term contract is to recruit personnel for a temporary task. CDD contracts can be converted to CDI under certain conditions.
I laughed so hard I almost spilled my coffee. This idea was the most constructive solution to marital problems I’ve ever heard.
Here are the wild ideas Teacher Meher and I came up with while munching on croissants:
Couples could sign short-term CDD contracts before turning 50, reassessing every few years to decide whether to continue the partnership.
After turning 50, considering the different roles of men and women in families—men usually work more outside, and women often focus more on the family with additional social work—for a stable life in old age, it would be recommended to switch to a long-term CDI contract.
…
“And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”
Excerpts from Genesis 2. I’ve always wondered about the true reason “God” wanted people to marry, besides promoting social stability and increasing the birth rate. Is there more unsaid content? What profound meaning is there to be understood?
…
Regarding Women’s Self-Cultivation in Relationships… To be continued
Written by Hu Xiaoxian
In the windy winter of Dali