Continuing from the previous topic…
Looking Inward: Self-Cultivation as a Parent
Teacher Meher discussed the chapter on parental cultivation in an interesting way. She believes that children should have the freedom to choose what they want to learn and the scope of their learning. However, what parents need to do alongside them is to accompany them with constant self-awareness, rather than fluctuating between harshness and patience.
Handling situations emotionally is very draining and will first cause parents to lose patience. Sometimes you think, “I need to seriously educate my child, I can’t ignore it anymore.” This strict control can lead to pent-up frustration, and soon enough, you lose patience. Then it either results in complete neglect or strict enforcement. Many children grow up in such an environment of hot and cold treatment…
And we, as parents, quickly lose this precious time of mutual growth and fulfillment.
Speaking of this, I am deeply touched. Looking back now, there is no teacher better than my own children in bringing me such profound and vivid lessons:
From being an emotionally swayed, naive person, constantly swaying between joy, anger, sorrow, and happiness, to now being often steady and mindful like a diamond tiger mother, I truly owe it to their “cultivation” of me.
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Looking Outward: The Need for Rules
In France, there is a saying that parents often use to warn their children: “Please don’t throw your wine cork too far.” French people love drinking wine, but they usually don’t finish a bottle at once, so they need to put the cork back in. The underlying meaning of this saying is: please don’t go overboard.
Children’s behavior often lacks boundaries, and they love to push limits. Why do they do this? They are exploring the world by testing boundaries.
Where is the boundary they can reach? They are willing to test it relentlessly until they hit the firewall of boundaries. For example, young children like to poke electrical sockets, touch hot kettles, stuff peas into their nostrils… As they grow older, they might secretly play games in their rooms under the guise of studying for exams…
If you set reasonable rules and boundaries at the beginning of the educational process, children actually feel very safe. Raising children without principles, under the guise of love, is problematic.
This reminds me of the practice of swaddling babies. When a newborn arrives, many experienced elders will tell young mothers that to let the baby sleep soundly, you should wrap them in a large, soft, and comfortable cotton cloth…
Swaddling actually mimics the womb. When babies are in their mother’s womb, they are surrounded by this small space. Don’t think that the child will feel constrained; in fact, for a baby, feeling the boundaries of the swaddle gives them a real sense of security.
I once compared my own children using this theory, which was new to me. As an adult, I prefer loose and free spaces, so I assumed newborns would too. The swaddling method absolutely prevailed in the experiment. This small world of swaddling does allow babies to sleep soundly.
On this note, Teacher Meher emphasized that children understand and establish their own world by touching boundaries. (It’s true: one child, one world; one leaf, one Bodhi.) If there are no boundaries in their world, children will feel lost. The foundation of their world comes from the boundaries – the responses the world gives them.
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There is an interesting story Teacher Meher shared about her granddaughter. During holidays, she would welcome her grandchildren to her home. Before starting a period of living together, she would clearly state the house rules: what can be done, what can’t be done, and what consequences to expect if rules are broken (this is where children begin to experience “cause and effect”).
One day, her granddaughter wanted to join in on a conversation between Teacher Meher and her friends. Because it was an adult conversation, it wasn’t appropriate for the child to participate. So, Teacher Meher asked her granddaughter to leave, explaining that they were having a discussion and she should go play elsewhere, as previously agreed. However, her granddaughter stubbornly refused to leave. After several refusals, Teacher Meher sent her outside and locked the door for five minutes, even though it was drizzling. Most parents might feel reluctant to do this, but rules are rules. So, her granddaughter stayed outside for five minutes. Afterward, Teacher Meher let her back in and asked, “Are you OK now?” Her granddaughter calmly nodded, acknowledging her understanding. She wasn’t angry because she knew she had crossed the line.
When her parents came to pick her up a few days later, she said, “I had a great time, except for once when I broke the rules, and Grandma locked me outside.” The child expressed this calmly, having understood that breaking the rules led to punishment. Thus, touching the boundary taught her what not to do in the future. Contrary to the feared “childhood trauma,” children often don’t retain such negative impacts as we worry. Teacher Meher emphasized: Effective education requires consistency.
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Wrong Teaching Methods
Using threats or insulting language to vent emotions is a common mistake in teaching.
Insulting language can be very traumatic for children.
Scaring children is often seen: for example, saying, “If you do this again… you won’t get to celebrate the New Year!” Such statements are meaningless. When you say these things, you are overly emotional, and deep down, you know you won’t follow through.
We must reiterate an important point: Is your so-called teaching to vent your own emotions or to help the child learn something?
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Diet and Routine
If a child’s physical or mental state is problematic, first check if they are getting enough exercise. Children have abundant energy and need plenty of exercise and playtime.
Next, observe their diet. Consuming a lot of sugary foods is not good for children (sugary foods are prevalent in today’s society, with many processed foods containing numerous additives, refined sugar, and trans fats). Excessive sugar can be addictive, providing too many calories and preventing the intake of healthy foods.
This topic requires more understanding if there’s an opportunity in the future…
Additionally, hidden reasons behind a child’s temper and poor health might include gluten intolerance or lactose intolerance. When children have physical or emotional issues, we need to be mindful of these factors.
Pay attention to the structure of children’s meals: some children love to eat meat and nothing else.
If you only give them beef or lamb (both red meats), TCM believes these meats bring a lot of yang energy, which can cause some children to become more irritable or hyperactive, needing to release this excess energy.
Apart from allergies, avoid too many prohibitions. Often, when you strictly forbid something, it can increase the desire to do it. For example, with sweets and drinks, I’ve seen children whose parents firmly say no, seize every opportunity to indulge in them.
Prohibitions can increase desire. It’s like pressing a ball underwater – the more you press, the higher it bounces when released.
Different Educational Philosophies Worldwide
Educational philosophies vary by country.
Encouragement-Based Education
British education often focuses on encouragement, allowing children to develop their strengths. They first see a child’s strengths and give ample praise and recognition, despite their weaknesses.
This helps children build confidence as they see their strengths recognized by others. With this confidence, they bravely explore and try more, gradually improving comprehensively.
Motivation-Based Education
French education often has strict motivational requirements similar to traditional Chinese education. Even when children excel in something, they are not easily praised because “modesty helps one make progress, while pride makes one lag behind.”
Both Chinese and French education put relative pressure on children, making them aware that they haven’t reached their best and should continue to strive harder. Often, Chinese and French children are more rigorous and modest.
Encouragement and motivation are like yin and yang, neither inherently better. Understanding this allows us to adjust accordingly. If school is already strict, parents can provide more encouragement, and vice versa.
Teacher Meher and I discussed many aspects of children’s education. Here, I’ve shared only a third of the content. More to follow later…
Teacher Meher, also known as Mei Yun, has four excellent children and many interesting grandchildren. She says she enjoys being a mother. I admire how she not only raised four children well but also lives an extraordinary life.
Preview: Next week, I’ll share on a different topic, temporarily a secret 🤫
Written by Hu Xiaoxian during the Great Snow solar term
Dali, Yunnan